just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
