i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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