Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
