I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
