I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
