It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
