That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
