sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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