umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
