One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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