did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
