My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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