I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
