just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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