my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize