he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
