It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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