My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
