he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
