Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
