Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
