Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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