I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
