I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
