Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
