i already hear my dad disowning me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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