Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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