Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
