Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
