I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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