my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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