I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
