God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
