Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
