I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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