Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
