I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
