K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
