I looked at my own cervix.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
