the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she told me i tasted like america
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
