i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
