i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
