I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she woke up with a sticky ear
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
