All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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