So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
