They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
