How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
