Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
smell my finger.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
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