I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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