I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
