Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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