Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
