I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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