I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
