you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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