I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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