I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
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Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
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You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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