Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
